Posters, Mixed Emotions and Highs.

What do you do when something you thought was no big deal, did without expecting anything back, becomes a big deal and you get everything plus more back?

I've lived most of my life giving to other people with no expectation of anything in return. This has just been my way of life. Most often, I don't get anything back. Or, if I do, it's just a "thank you" and move on or something minor.  This has become one of my life mottos : Expectations Bring Disappointment. If you do something with expectations of getting something in return, you'll most always be disappointed. My only exception is when someone says they'll do something in return and they don't. I hold a person's word to heart. It's a direct reflection of their character, on whether they follow through or not.

So when I was asked by a friend for help hanging posters around town, I, of course, said yes. I knew this friend had a lot on her plate, I am always willing to help out when I can and I love discovering new places around Nashville. When I work, I usually try to do my best, especially when it reflects on someone else. So, I did the task at hand to the best of my ability. I kept records of where I went, tried to cover all the bases I could with the amount of posters I had, thinking nothing of it. Helping with the posters also made me even more excited for the event, because I had a part in it, even though it was small in my mind. 

Two or three days before the event, I felt numb about it. I have no idea why, because I was so excited for so long. I was still telling people about it, encouraging them to come, but I didn't feel it inside. I know feelings are fickle and unpredictable, but it still had me concerned. I had a little bit of nervousness, but mostly nothing. The morning of the event, Anna, the host, posted that one of the girls was sick, so someone else would be playing a short set before the girls listed on the bill. The last minute unexpected change didn't help my nervousness at all. I don't deal with unexpected changes very well in general.

The day of the event, I finally broke down and told one of my internet friends I've gotten close to. She encouraged me, told me it was going to be great. I knew that, if I were to break down there, I could text her and have someone there for me. The afternoon of the event, I laid down for a nap so I wouldn't be tired. My emotions often do strange things that can have lasting effects when I'm really tired and in public places. While I was laying there trying to fall asleep, I pictured myself feeling withdrawn while I was there, sinking into myself and no one noticing. This happened at another show I went to almost a year ago. I almost messaged my friend and mention if she happened to notice I was withdrawing, if she could try to pull me out of it. But I didn't want to put that on someone else, nor were my emotional issues her problem to deal with. Instead, I sent a text to myself with the thought in my head, "Sometimes I turn into a scared little girl when no one is watching." I fell asleep crying. 

When I woke up, those withdrawn feelings were gone, but the nervousness was still there a little. As it was getting closer to time to leave, my excitement was growing. I really didn't want to sit around the house after I got ready, so I left to get there early. I ended up getting there at 6:15, when the show didn't start until 7. 

When I walked in, I saw (and heard) my friend on stage doing her soundcheck. As I walked in, a woman stopped me and asked if I was Deb. I confirmed, and she introduced herself as Anna, the one hosting the event. She mentioned that everywhere she went, she'd see posters for tonight, and she was really impressed with how good a job I did. I was glad, because it meant they were being seen. As a person who generally feels invisible and/or forgotten, I sometimes forget that things I do will be noticed, such as the posters being seen everywhere. I know that seems silly, considering that's the point of putting them up in the first place, but just because it's there, doesn't mean it'll necessarily be seen and taken into consideration. In pretty much every place I put them, there were a bunch of other posters as well. It's Nashville, something is ALWAYS happening in pretty much every venue. That being said, I was taken aback when she offered me a job hanging posters for her next event. Of course I said yes. I loved doing it the first time, always like helping people, and I know my work was valued.  She also said she'd put me on the guest list for every event and drinks were on her. I'm just now starting to taste alcoholic drinks and don't really even do that often, so not sure how much I'll use that, but it's nice to know it's available.

Needless to say, my excitement grew and stayed for the rest of the time. Being withdrawn and introverted were the farthest thing from my mind. The show was fantastic, met some awesome people and had the time of my life. I even had one of the other girls performing ask me to help with promoting her show next month.  

In the aftermath of the high the evening brought upon me, I'm left wondering how to take all the attention my small part generated. I'm used to being in the background, not really noticed, and yet I was called out several times throughout the night by Anna, then others mentioning just thanking me in conversation for hanging the posters. Anna mentioned from stage that, if anyone saw posters around town, it was me that put them up. She was giving away a t-shirt and koozie at one point, and first gave me one of each "for putting up the posters",which I accidentally left at the venue. Thankfully it was still there two days later when she was back there playing again and she got them for me. 

Near the end of the night, Anna said she had something for me. After everything else, I was really not expecting that at all. She walked away and so did I. I went and mingled, listened to the music, took pictures and videos and forgot about her having something for me. Later, I saw her and my friend at the merch table I remembered that she had something for me. She got one of the posters for the evening and had all the girls (and herself) sign it for me. Even the sound guy (who did an EPIC job throughout the night) signed it. Anna also ended up giving me one of her posters as well. Both posters were on my wall in my room before I went to bed that night. 

Throughout the night, my brain had shut off. When that happens, I don't really process anything of what's happening. I speak without a filter, actions are most often spontaneous and I'm run on emotions. This is one of the reasons I almost always take videos during the songs, so I can watch them later. In the few days following, I replay it all in my head and start processing everything. That's what I'm doing now and I'm simply blown away with how the whole night turned out. All because I said yes to helping my friend hang posters around town. 

Love Heals - Thistle Farms

Tonight, I went to a fundraiser for Thistle Farms. The title of the event was "Welcome To The Circle". If you're not familiar with Thistle Farms, it's an organization of women that help save women from prostitution, drugs and sex trafficking. Their slogan is "Love Heals". They love the women unconditionally, no matter where they are, and brings them the healing they need to pass their struggles.

The only reason I had heard of the event at all was because Jennifer Nettles was singing, so a friend mentioned coming to Nashville for it. I was looking forward to meeting some old friends and new friends beforehand. There were a lot of Sugarland friends I had back in the day that I never had the chance to meet. Tonight, I met a couple of them. I became quick friends with Savie, the 12 year old daughter of one of the Sugarfriends. She reminds me so much of myself. Also met Sara, whom I hadn't known before I sold one of my posters on a Sugarland fan page. She ended up getting the poster, so I brought it with me instead of having to mail it. Was so excited to finally meet Kim. Had wanted to meet her years ago, but through circumstances out of my control, it didn't happen. Today, that got remedied. And seeing Brandi is always a trip. Love that woman.

Walking into the Ryman Auditorium, I didn't know what the event held. I had heard of Thistle Farms in passing, knew a little of what they were about, but not really. They played a video near the beginning. Watching that video, it suddenly occurred to me how easily I could have ended up in that life. I've had passing thoughts every once in a while that, without my faith, I probably would have ended up on the streets or dead by now. They were all only passing thoughts, easily forgotten. Tonight, it hit me hard. The only thing separating me from the life these women have led to the one I'm leading now is the faith my mother instilled in me from birth and the love she gave me all my life.

During the second half of the program, they played another video. It was interviews with different women that were in or had graduated from the program. They were talking about how they got into the life, how long they had been clean, all that. All of them had a common thread. They were all abused as children, most by family members. Statistics say that almost every woman that's in prostitution and such were molested between the ages of 7 and 11. Those years, I also had been sexually abused. So how did I not end up in the same cycle they fell into? The only thing I can think of is God and my faith in Him.

I didn't pledge or donate directly tonight, but I did buy three cards made out of thistle paper from the table. They're beautiful, so I'm not sure I want to actually fill them out and send them. Someone in the group suggested framing them, which sounds like an excellent idea.

I've been feeling very disconnected from God for longer than I'd care to admit, or even think about. But tonight, I think this unexpected blessing has opened my eyes to how close He has been to me, even when I couldn't see it. Maybe, just maybe, I'll return to the strong faith I believed myself to possess when I was a teenager.

Martyrdom

I started this post Thurs morning. I had to reboot and not able to save it, so I lost it. I'm trying to start it again.

Wed night, on the way home from Bible study, the only phrase running through my head was "I am a martyr." Now, I haven't looked up the official definition, but I see how it fits well. If someone was being attacked, whether physically or otherwise, I would gladly stand in for them. If someone was getting shot at, I'd gladly take the bullet for them. I'm not sure if it's extreme humility or lack of value in myself. I know, since I was a little kid, I haven't known myself to be of value. I know there's multiple things that can easily attribute to that belief, but I don't know for sure which, if any, of them are the cause of it.

I remember in 5th grade, we were learning about capitalizing proper nouns. They said you always capitalize "I" when referring to yourself. I clearly remember thinking I wasn't important enough to capitalize the "I", so I didn't for a long time. Probably the only thing that caused me to fix it was getting marks for having it wrong.

Another thing that happened at Bible study is Tracey had mentioned having her daughter look herself in the mirror and tell her what good things she saw. Taryne had the brilliant idea to have me do it right then and there. It didn't go well. I couldn't look at myself very long before I just closed my eyes and/or looked away to not have to see myself. There are times I can look myself in the mirror, but most often I don't like it. I know a lot of it is my weight, but I never do anything towards fixing it.

Maybe someday...

Take Me Or Leave Me Bleeding

This is going to be one of the most difficult of my blog entries. I figure if any of you are still here for me after this one, you're here for me for life. I started this blog with the hopes to post as if it was only for my eyes, but knowing others would read it. That's really difficult for me, when I know that sometimes there's things that others can't handle or disagree with so much they can't look at me the same. This may be one of those things. I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I'm no longer going to live in fear of losing someone that can't accept me as I am, flaws and all.

When I was in middle school, while the abuse by the family member was happening, I also had sexual relations with a girl. I had gotten more pleasure with that than I had any other time with a guy. I don't think that it was caused because of being forced with a guy. I've been attracted to girls for about as long as I can remember. I'd always try to tell myself I was just appreciating their beauty, but I knew inside it was more than that. I know a lot of people, as in a majority of Christians, believe homosexuality comes from either bad experiences or a choice. I can't deny or affirm that, because I honestly don't know any facts on the matter. I just know my opinion. Did my abuse play a factor? You bet it did. Did it cause me to be attracted to females and enjoy sex with a female more than a male? No, I honestly don't think the abuse "caused" it.

Let me remind you, if you didn't know already, then let you know, I've been in church since I was a day old. I know everything the Bible says about homosexuality and that it's wrong. I don't think anyone could bring up a point that I haven't heard before. A lot of them I've told myself through the years of trying to be someone I wasn't. If you have the urge to try to change my mind or convince me that homosexuality is a sin and I will burn in Hell, you can keep it to yourself. I know I would just cut myself down more with each word said, and I don't want to live like that anymore. Only positive words. 

I haven't told a lot of people, mainly out of fear, but there are a few I told personally and a few that found out through people I have told. There are some that suspect and some that it will come as a complete shock. When I told one friend, she asked me if I was both (aka bisexual) and I quickly answered no. I can't imagine enjoying sex with a man. That is a direct effect of the abuse. When I had fooled around (not "all the way" though) with guys as a teenager, I emotionally and mentally shut down. That was also how I endured years of abuse. Shutting down and escaping. It's also why I was so into reading when I was a teen. I would get completely immersed in the book and lose myself completely. That was where I wanted to be, somewhere else, living someone else's life.

In my head are two different "people." Most have only met one, the nice, Christian girl that does all the right things. Most have not interacted with the foul-mouthed, hormonal, dirty-minded girl. She stays hidden unless I know it won't offend anyone around me. I know the story told in different ways about the two wolves that live in you, one being evil and one being good. The one that survives is the one that you feed the most. I have tried for 15 years to suppress and "starve" the side of me that isn't good. But she never really went away.

It got to the point where I was living a double life and I couldn't handle it any more. Almost exactly two years ago, I decided I was no longer going to separate my two sides, and instead just be me all around. That's when I started telling a select few people that I was gay. One of my friends found out by a sarcastic comment she made when I mentioned an online friend of mine I was attracted to at the time. Good thing I was driving and not her, because I think we would have crashed if she was behind the wheel. Plus, it gave me reason not to look her in the eye. I'm good at avoiding the eyes when I think there will be disappointment there. She at first told me it was fine, I was still the same person she was friends with and things wouldn't change. I should have known better. I'm not sure it was her doing or her parents, but she seemed to never have time to hang out anymore. I could attribute it to life changing and getting busy, but I don't think I'd ever believe it was the main reason. She in turn told her mother, another good friend of mine, about a year after I kept putting off telling her. I did try to get together for lunch with the mom, in which I was planning on saying something then, but it just never seemed to work out.

I told my mom the first summer after I started telling people. She took it so well, but I think (aka pretty sure) someone told her beforehand. Not mad about it, just had me really confused at first when she took it so well. Again, she seemed cool with it. As far as our relationship, it didn't change much. We still got along well. When she came out here last year, she made a comment about a couple other family members that identified (one) or experimented (the other) with homosexuality. The one that identified continued to enter into a heterosexual marriage even though that's not what they identified with. She continued to say if I found a good man, I could do that. Not those exact words, but that basic principle. Could I have a relationship with a man, marry, be happy? Probably. I don't hate men by any means. I've had some good male friends through the years. Could I ever get past the abuse and enjoy sex with a husband? It's possible. I couldn't say for sure. But I don't want to live the rest of my life miserable.  I spent so many years trying to suppress it and it didn't work. I don't want to live the rest of my life that way. The one that experimented also ended up in a heterosexual relationship and now has two or three kids.

I've never been on a date. I've never been asked out on a date, nor taken the initiative. I've had a good friend of mine ask how I can be sure I'm gay if I haven't really had a relationship. Relationships have little to do with body parts. It has everything to do with mind, soul and heart. As far as attraction, that has to do with body, mind, heart, soul. I can be attracted to someone without having a romantic relationship with them. Could I have a successful relationship with a man? Sure! Though men and women are wired differently, inside we're a lot the same. The soul doesn't know gender. The mind is definitely different with each person, gender aside. The heart is pretty much the same all around.

While I've never been on a date, I have ideas of what they would be like. I'm sure it won't be exactly like what I think about, but it's nice to at least have thoughts of what I'd expect. To me, dating is more about hanging out with a person, getting to know them as an individual. To me, I can do that without having to date someone. And I can do that with males or females. Though there are things you tend to share on a more deeper level with a romantic relationship than friendships, my life is an open book. I don't only share things, deeper or surface level, with only males or females. The only difference I see in my mind between friendships (super close know-everything-about-you) and relationships leading up to marriage is sex. Even holding hands, cuddling, I can do that with friends. My mom and I used to cuddle a lot on the couch watching movies or what-not. They were some of my fondest memories growing up.

Last week at Bible study, one of the ladies asked me if there was I felt I would gain anything by being with a man. My first thought was no, I couldn't think of anything. My first thought was that I've gone this long without anything, what could I possibly gain now? Another first thought was of my dad and how he left when I was so young. It affected me more than anything else I could imagine. I was a daddy's girl before he left, and now he just disappeared. It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned more about him and that it was probably a lot better that he didn't stay. But the scars left never fully healed. I heard in church years ago that the father gives identity to his children. I can see that, because I have always felt lost in myself. I never really knew who I was, why I was here and what I could offer people. I was very nurtured emotionally through my mom, but that doesn't quite replace the daddy figure. And when I was a child, I felt very used, like I was there for their pleasure, my feelings didn't really matter. No one wants to feel that way. Maybe that's what I have in my mind as all that I would "gain" by being with a man, because that's what my history has showed.

This leaves me with the thought of this. If a man, a good man, came to me and wanted to date me, get to know me, possibly marry me, what would I say? After confessing multiple people, and through this the world, that I was gay, could I ever be in a heterosexual relationship and turn that life away? I don't know. I've lived most of my life how others wanted to see me. I can honestly say I don't have my life figured out, my sexuality figured out.

Words Unspoken

A poem I wrote about how the lack of sharing our faith hurts more than a little bit of risk on our part.

Staring at each other
Silent, no words come
You speak of the weather
Instead of what's in your heart
The words on the tip of your tongue
I turn and walk away

I'm still full of grief
I catch your eye
Your eyes full of sadness
I ask across the gap
Why did you stay silent?
You kill me with words unspoken

Standing before the Almighty
His judging eyes before me
"You have not served Me
Nor is your name in the Book
I cannot accept you." 
I'm sorry, Lord, I didn't know!

I turn away, filled with shame
I catch your eye in the crowd
Your eyes full of guilt
Why did you stay silent?
You've killed me with words unspoken

Fair Warning & Intro

Giving you a warning that I'm going to post what I want. This is one of my methods of release to some of the crazy in my head. Writing it helps me figure stuff out. If you don't like it, that's your prerogative. My mom raised me to believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I still hold that strongly. That includes me, even if you don't agree with my opinion. I'm very tolerant and open-minded. I expect the same respect.

 I was given the idea to start a blog last October or November. I kind of wanted to get my thoughts out there, my writings out there, but was a little afraid of retaliation of the people close to me. I have issues with people leaving me and I try to avoid it when I can. Sometimes that means not saying things when I think others won't like it. I'm starting to not care anymore, wanting a release of what's been trapped inside for far too long. After reading a blog by a person I've known for over 15 years and seeing how blatantly honest she is, I knew I could do it, too.

I've been in church since I was a day old, literally. Though I've been involved in different groups in church, mainly when I was a teen, I still feel like I've been going at it alone. I've never really had a spiritual mentor or anyone to lead me into what I should or shouldn't do. I've since felt pretty detached from God or anything spiritual.

My family life is pretty normal, unfortunately. My father left when I was a year and a half old. I had started talking at 5 months old, but stopped when he left. I didn't speak again until after I turned 5. I have three older brothers, all of which are close in age to me. Until the summer when I was 9, we lived close to our extended family and always had someone to play with and had huge birthday parties. There's nearly 25 cousins just in my generation, so a lot of family. My mother, three brothers and I moved halfway across the country. There is some good that came out of it, even though I didn't really like it there. I met one of my best friends ever there.

There's plenty of crazy in my head that I never let out. A lot I've never told anyone. There's a few things I've only told one or two people, and that was only really recently. Parts of my life I've let be an open book. I've been abused by a family member for years. I feel it's affected my whole life since.

I met some amazing women last fall. I had just started going to GracePointe church just a week before they announced a women's Bible study that was starting. There were three nights available: Tues, Wed or Thurs. Though I don't usually join things like that when I don't know anyone, I know I needed to go. I needed to be involved somehow. I picked Wednesday, because that was the only night I was consistently off work. Because of picking that study, I've met a couple ladies who have become very important to me. They've been there for me and helping me when I've had some bad nights.

Guess that's enough for now, I'll probably update more later. I'm hoping to post some of my poetry on here tomorrow.