Posters, Mixed Emotions and Highs.

What do you do when something you thought was no big deal, did without expecting anything back, becomes a big deal and you get everything plus more back?

I've lived most of my life giving to other people with no expectation of anything in return. This has just been my way of life. Most often, I don't get anything back. Or, if I do, it's just a "thank you" and move on or something minor.  This has become one of my life mottos : Expectations Bring Disappointment. If you do something with expectations of getting something in return, you'll most always be disappointed. My only exception is when someone says they'll do something in return and they don't. I hold a person's word to heart. It's a direct reflection of their character, on whether they follow through or not.

So when I was asked by a friend for help hanging posters around town, I, of course, said yes. I knew this friend had a lot on her plate, I am always willing to help out when I can and I love discovering new places around Nashville. When I work, I usually try to do my best, especially when it reflects on someone else. So, I did the task at hand to the best of my ability. I kept records of where I went, tried to cover all the bases I could with the amount of posters I had, thinking nothing of it. Helping with the posters also made me even more excited for the event, because I had a part in it, even though it was small in my mind. 

Two or three days before the event, I felt numb about it. I have no idea why, because I was so excited for so long. I was still telling people about it, encouraging them to come, but I didn't feel it inside. I know feelings are fickle and unpredictable, but it still had me concerned. I had a little bit of nervousness, but mostly nothing. The morning of the event, Anna, the host, posted that one of the girls was sick, so someone else would be playing a short set before the girls listed on the bill. The last minute unexpected change didn't help my nervousness at all. I don't deal with unexpected changes very well in general.

The day of the event, I finally broke down and told one of my internet friends I've gotten close to. She encouraged me, told me it was going to be great. I knew that, if I were to break down there, I could text her and have someone there for me. The afternoon of the event, I laid down for a nap so I wouldn't be tired. My emotions often do strange things that can have lasting effects when I'm really tired and in public places. While I was laying there trying to fall asleep, I pictured myself feeling withdrawn while I was there, sinking into myself and no one noticing. This happened at another show I went to almost a year ago. I almost messaged my friend and mention if she happened to notice I was withdrawing, if she could try to pull me out of it. But I didn't want to put that on someone else, nor were my emotional issues her problem to deal with. Instead, I sent a text to myself with the thought in my head, "Sometimes I turn into a scared little girl when no one is watching." I fell asleep crying. 

When I woke up, those withdrawn feelings were gone, but the nervousness was still there a little. As it was getting closer to time to leave, my excitement was growing. I really didn't want to sit around the house after I got ready, so I left to get there early. I ended up getting there at 6:15, when the show didn't start until 7. 

When I walked in, I saw (and heard) my friend on stage doing her soundcheck. As I walked in, a woman stopped me and asked if I was Deb. I confirmed, and she introduced herself as Anna, the one hosting the event. She mentioned that everywhere she went, she'd see posters for tonight, and she was really impressed with how good a job I did. I was glad, because it meant they were being seen. As a person who generally feels invisible and/or forgotten, I sometimes forget that things I do will be noticed, such as the posters being seen everywhere. I know that seems silly, considering that's the point of putting them up in the first place, but just because it's there, doesn't mean it'll necessarily be seen and taken into consideration. In pretty much every place I put them, there were a bunch of other posters as well. It's Nashville, something is ALWAYS happening in pretty much every venue. That being said, I was taken aback when she offered me a job hanging posters for her next event. Of course I said yes. I loved doing it the first time, always like helping people, and I know my work was valued.  She also said she'd put me on the guest list for every event and drinks were on her. I'm just now starting to taste alcoholic drinks and don't really even do that often, so not sure how much I'll use that, but it's nice to know it's available.

Needless to say, my excitement grew and stayed for the rest of the time. Being withdrawn and introverted were the farthest thing from my mind. The show was fantastic, met some awesome people and had the time of my life. I even had one of the other girls performing ask me to help with promoting her show next month.  

In the aftermath of the high the evening brought upon me, I'm left wondering how to take all the attention my small part generated. I'm used to being in the background, not really noticed, and yet I was called out several times throughout the night by Anna, then others mentioning just thanking me in conversation for hanging the posters. Anna mentioned from stage that, if anyone saw posters around town, it was me that put them up. She was giving away a t-shirt and koozie at one point, and first gave me one of each "for putting up the posters",which I accidentally left at the venue. Thankfully it was still there two days later when she was back there playing again and she got them for me. 

Near the end of the night, Anna said she had something for me. After everything else, I was really not expecting that at all. She walked away and so did I. I went and mingled, listened to the music, took pictures and videos and forgot about her having something for me. Later, I saw her and my friend at the merch table I remembered that she had something for me. She got one of the posters for the evening and had all the girls (and herself) sign it for me. Even the sound guy (who did an EPIC job throughout the night) signed it. Anna also ended up giving me one of her posters as well. Both posters were on my wall in my room before I went to bed that night. 

Throughout the night, my brain had shut off. When that happens, I don't really process anything of what's happening. I speak without a filter, actions are most often spontaneous and I'm run on emotions. This is one of the reasons I almost always take videos during the songs, so I can watch them later. In the few days following, I replay it all in my head and start processing everything. That's what I'm doing now and I'm simply blown away with how the whole night turned out. All because I said yes to helping my friend hang posters around town. 

Love Heals - Thistle Farms

Tonight, I went to a fundraiser for Thistle Farms. The title of the event was "Welcome To The Circle". If you're not familiar with Thistle Farms, it's an organization of women that help save women from prostitution, drugs and sex trafficking. Their slogan is "Love Heals". They love the women unconditionally, no matter where they are, and brings them the healing they need to pass their struggles.

The only reason I had heard of the event at all was because Jennifer Nettles was singing, so a friend mentioned coming to Nashville for it. I was looking forward to meeting some old friends and new friends beforehand. There were a lot of Sugarland friends I had back in the day that I never had the chance to meet. Tonight, I met a couple of them. I became quick friends with Savie, the 12 year old daughter of one of the Sugarfriends. She reminds me so much of myself. Also met Sara, whom I hadn't known before I sold one of my posters on a Sugarland fan page. She ended up getting the poster, so I brought it with me instead of having to mail it. Was so excited to finally meet Kim. Had wanted to meet her years ago, but through circumstances out of my control, it didn't happen. Today, that got remedied. And seeing Brandi is always a trip. Love that woman.

Walking into the Ryman Auditorium, I didn't know what the event held. I had heard of Thistle Farms in passing, knew a little of what they were about, but not really. They played a video near the beginning. Watching that video, it suddenly occurred to me how easily I could have ended up in that life. I've had passing thoughts every once in a while that, without my faith, I probably would have ended up on the streets or dead by now. They were all only passing thoughts, easily forgotten. Tonight, it hit me hard. The only thing separating me from the life these women have led to the one I'm leading now is the faith my mother instilled in me from birth and the love she gave me all my life.

During the second half of the program, they played another video. It was interviews with different women that were in or had graduated from the program. They were talking about how they got into the life, how long they had been clean, all that. All of them had a common thread. They were all abused as children, most by family members. Statistics say that almost every woman that's in prostitution and such were molested between the ages of 7 and 11. Those years, I also had been sexually abused. So how did I not end up in the same cycle they fell into? The only thing I can think of is God and my faith in Him.

I didn't pledge or donate directly tonight, but I did buy three cards made out of thistle paper from the table. They're beautiful, so I'm not sure I want to actually fill them out and send them. Someone in the group suggested framing them, which sounds like an excellent idea.

I've been feeling very disconnected from God for longer than I'd care to admit, or even think about. But tonight, I think this unexpected blessing has opened my eyes to how close He has been to me, even when I couldn't see it. Maybe, just maybe, I'll return to the strong faith I believed myself to possess when I was a teenager.