This is going to be one of the most difficult of my blog entries. I figure if any of you are still here for me after this one, you're here for me for life. I started this blog with the hopes to post as if it was only for my eyes, but knowing others would read it. That's really difficult for me, when I know that sometimes there's things that others can't handle or disagree with so much they can't look at me the same. This may be one of those things. I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I'm no longer going to live in fear of losing someone that can't accept me as I am, flaws and all.
When I was in middle school, while the abuse by the family member was happening, I also had sexual relations with a girl. I had gotten more pleasure with that than I had any other time with a guy. I don't think that it was caused because of being forced with a guy. I've been attracted to girls for about as long as I can remember. I'd always try to tell myself I was just appreciating their beauty, but I knew inside it was more than that. I know a lot of people, as in a majority of Christians, believe homosexuality comes from either bad experiences or a choice. I can't deny or affirm that, because I honestly don't know any facts on the matter. I just know my opinion. Did my abuse play a factor? You bet it did. Did it cause me to be attracted to females and enjoy sex with a female more than a male? No, I honestly don't think the abuse "caused" it.
Let me remind you, if you didn't know already, then let you know, I've been in church since I was a day old. I know everything the Bible says about homosexuality and that it's wrong. I don't think anyone could bring up a point that I haven't heard before. A lot of them I've told myself through the years of trying to be someone I wasn't. If you have the urge to try to change my mind or convince me that homosexuality is a sin and I will burn in Hell, you can keep it to yourself. I know I would just cut myself down more with each word said, and I don't want to live like that anymore. Only positive words.
I haven't told a lot of people, mainly out of fear, but there are a few I told personally and a few that found out through people I have told. There are some that suspect and some that it will come as a complete shock. When I told one friend, she asked me if I was both (aka bisexual) and I quickly answered no. I can't imagine enjoying sex with a man. That is a direct effect of the abuse. When I had fooled around (not "all the way" though) with guys as a teenager, I emotionally and mentally shut down. That was also how I endured years of abuse. Shutting down and escaping. It's also why I was so into reading when I was a teen. I would get completely immersed in the book and lose myself completely. That was where I wanted to be, somewhere else, living someone else's life.
In my head are two different "people." Most have only met one, the nice, Christian girl that does all the right things. Most have not interacted with the foul-mouthed, hormonal, dirty-minded girl. She stays hidden unless I know it won't offend anyone around me. I know the story told in different ways about the two wolves that live in you, one being evil and one being good. The one that survives is the one that you feed the most. I have tried for 15 years to suppress and "starve" the side of me that isn't good. But she never really went away.
It got to the point where I was living a double life and I couldn't handle it any more. Almost exactly two years ago, I decided I was no longer going to separate my two sides, and instead just be me all around. That's when I started telling a select few people that I was gay. One of my friends found out by a sarcastic comment she made when I mentioned an online friend of mine I was attracted to at the time. Good thing I was driving and not her, because I think we would have crashed if she was behind the wheel. Plus, it gave me reason not to look her in the eye. I'm good at avoiding the eyes when I think there will be disappointment there. She at first told me it was fine, I was still the same person she was friends with and things wouldn't change. I should have known better. I'm not sure it was her doing or her parents, but she seemed to never have time to hang out anymore. I could attribute it to life changing and getting busy, but I don't think I'd ever believe it was the main reason. She in turn told her mother, another good friend of mine, about a year after I kept putting off telling her. I did try to get together for lunch with the mom, in which I was planning on saying something then, but it just never seemed to work out.
I told my mom the first summer after I started telling people. She took it so well, but I think (aka pretty sure) someone told her beforehand. Not mad about it, just had me really confused at first when she took it so well. Again, she seemed cool with it. As far as our relationship, it didn't change much. We still got along well. When she came out here last year, she made a comment about a couple other family members that identified (one) or experimented (the other) with homosexuality. The one that identified continued to enter into a heterosexual marriage even though that's not what they identified with. She continued to say if I found a good man, I could do that. Not those exact words, but that basic principle. Could I have a relationship with a man, marry, be happy? Probably. I don't hate men by any means. I've had some good male friends through the years. Could I ever get past the abuse and enjoy sex with a husband? It's possible. I couldn't say for sure. But I don't want to live the rest of my life miserable. I spent so many years trying to suppress it and it didn't work. I don't want to live the rest of my life that way. The one that experimented also ended up in a heterosexual relationship and now has two or three kids.
I've never been on a date. I've never been asked out on a date, nor taken the initiative. I've had a good friend of mine ask how I can be sure I'm gay if I haven't really had a relationship. Relationships have little to do with body parts. It has everything to do with mind, soul and heart. As far as attraction, that has to do with body, mind, heart, soul. I can be attracted to someone without having a romantic relationship with them. Could I have a successful relationship with a man? Sure! Though men and women are wired differently, inside we're a lot the same. The soul doesn't know gender. The mind is definitely different with each person, gender aside. The heart is pretty much the same all around.
While I've never been on a date, I have ideas of what they would be like. I'm sure it won't be exactly like what I think about, but it's nice to at least have thoughts of what I'd expect. To me, dating is more about hanging out with a person, getting to know them as an individual. To me, I can do that without having to date someone. And I can do that with males or females. Though there are things you tend to share on a more deeper level with a romantic relationship than friendships, my life is an open book. I don't only share things, deeper or surface level, with only males or females. The only difference I see in my mind between friendships (super close know-everything-about-you) and relationships leading up to marriage is sex. Even holding hands, cuddling, I can do that with friends. My mom and I used to cuddle a lot on the couch watching movies or what-not. They were some of my fondest memories growing up.
Last week at Bible study, one of the ladies asked me if there was I felt I would gain anything by being with a man. My first thought was no, I couldn't think of anything. My first thought was that I've gone this long without anything, what could I possibly gain now? Another first thought was of my dad and how he left when I was so young. It affected me more than anything else I could imagine. I was a daddy's girl before he left, and now he just disappeared. It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned more about him and that it was probably a lot better that he didn't stay. But the scars left never fully healed. I heard in church years ago that the father gives identity to his children. I can see that, because I have always felt lost in myself. I never really knew who I was, why I was here and what I could offer people. I was very nurtured emotionally through my mom, but that doesn't quite replace the daddy figure. And when I was a child, I felt very used, like I was there for their pleasure, my feelings didn't really matter. No one wants to feel that way. Maybe that's what I have in my mind as all that I would "gain" by being with a man, because that's what my history has showed.
This leaves me with the thought of this. If a man, a good man, came to me and wanted to date me, get to know me, possibly marry me, what would I say? After confessing multiple people, and through this the world, that I was gay, could I ever be in a heterosexual relationship and turn that life away? I don't know. I've lived most of my life how others wanted to see me. I can honestly say I don't have my life figured out, my sexuality figured out.
No comments:
Post a Comment