Martyrdom

I started this post Thurs morning. I had to reboot and not able to save it, so I lost it. I'm trying to start it again.

Wed night, on the way home from Bible study, the only phrase running through my head was "I am a martyr." Now, I haven't looked up the official definition, but I see how it fits well. If someone was being attacked, whether physically or otherwise, I would gladly stand in for them. If someone was getting shot at, I'd gladly take the bullet for them. I'm not sure if it's extreme humility or lack of value in myself. I know, since I was a little kid, I haven't known myself to be of value. I know there's multiple things that can easily attribute to that belief, but I don't know for sure which, if any, of them are the cause of it.

I remember in 5th grade, we were learning about capitalizing proper nouns. They said you always capitalize "I" when referring to yourself. I clearly remember thinking I wasn't important enough to capitalize the "I", so I didn't for a long time. Probably the only thing that caused me to fix it was getting marks for having it wrong.

Another thing that happened at Bible study is Tracey had mentioned having her daughter look herself in the mirror and tell her what good things she saw. Taryne had the brilliant idea to have me do it right then and there. It didn't go well. I couldn't look at myself very long before I just closed my eyes and/or looked away to not have to see myself. There are times I can look myself in the mirror, but most often I don't like it. I know a lot of it is my weight, but I never do anything towards fixing it.

Maybe someday...